Again, I have not written a blog in a long time! It has been difficult keeping up with my schedule to write and publish since I moved from Brighton. I find myself feeling like a hamster on a wheel way too often to find the time to jot down my thoughts or seek inspiration in my surroundings.
Perhaps, it is befitting that I write this blog now because it is the end of the first term. I have just finished my fourth back to back video call, the last being with my sister. It has been nice catching up with friends and I especially feel motivated from a conversation with Eze. So, here I am typing up this blog at 2 AM.
I titled this blog ‘unfazed’ because of my conversation with Ruihan over lunch the other day. This is clearly not a word that I use on a daily basis because I spelt it wrong the first time as ‘unphased’. Let’s thank God for auto-correct. In our conversation, she gave me the biggest compliment ever by saying that I appeared to be unfazed by challenges that come my way. I thought to myself- wow, this certainly is not true but very flattering! Sometimes, I question whether I have oversold myself by presenting myself as this unfazed human being. Perfect to the T…the girl with no fears!
I do not think that I am unfazed, I like everyone else has fears. I have lots of them but they are mainly sub-branches of the fear of failure. Whenever I am presented with a new situation, one that scares me, I just won’t stop because I am scared. I cannot quit before trying because I have heard stories from other people. Their experience does not have to dictate mine. Perhaps, this is what it means to be unfazed. It does not mean that deep inside, I am not terrified. It is the contrary. But through the fear, I want it more and I find the strength to keep going because I will not be the cause of my own failure. I just won’t stop and cannot stop until I get it! Fear becomes hunger and hunger becomes strength.
Practice makes perfect but it is unfortunate (especially for someone starting out) that certain situations in life dictate that we are nearer to perfection to get the prize. To answer the question Amy Purdy posed in her Tex X talk: If my life were a book and I the author, how would the story go? My answer so far is that the book will be titled unfazed where the heroine faces numerous challenges but does not back down! She keeps going even when it is scary, uncertain and she feels lost. She does not stop even after getting the prize, she carries on and becomes more fearless. She keeps going on the sad days and night, even when she does not want to do the work, she carries on. I said to a friend the other day that people conflate confidence (or the lack thereof) with self-doubt. Because you are confident does not mean that you do not doubt yourself, or question the things that life will bring. But whatever it may be, rain or shine, snow and wind, remain calm and pretend to be unfazed. After all, people will know that you are scared only if you tell them!
Unfazed leaps Take the leap Just a jump As I feel in my throat a little lump What if I lose or trip And even break a tooth or two? Is it fears Disguised as tears? Take the leap! The voice nears At this, my voice cracks My heart thumps Am I to make of myself a little fool? Just one step, imagine the cheers Keep going, do not stop You cannot stop I feel on my head, the beads of sweat Crowded by fears and dipped in tears But I thought, I might just stop Drop to my knees and crumble in defeat Oh its too hot, is it the heat? Or that I cannot see beyond these fears, nor feel any more my faint heart But I rise like I always do My tears hidden by the rain My sweats worth all the pain Undefeated again and again Take a leap, do not stop!! You cannot stop Look around, just at the top.
I even managed to craft what might fall under the definition of poetry (depending on your taste of course). I will write more often!